I so miss you

I'm coming from CRS the other night and I'm crying. First I thought it was the vodka but it wasn't. I had seen so much and I couldn't share it with you. I couldn't tell you about it. I didn't tell the dog or the bird.

The dog has started to piss and drop blood. Remember how you declared he was perfect: great size, mellow, trained. You wanted to name him Hildago after the horse. Goofy. Roscoe fits him. I could use your help in helping him. I don't think I could handle losing him right now.

I'm trying so hard to hold it together. I've been going to work everyday. I got that interim job after I got back from your death. Seems the other admins don't like me. They've been complaining. I'm too direct and they aren't. Half the time they don't make a point. Tough when you ask them a question. I was told today to keep a poker face and act stupid so maybe they will help me when I need it. They dumped the whole workload of the one they're sending back to her original dept. on me. The boss said that wasn't supposed to happen. Well, that's what they did. I think they might have lied too about a few things, my time availability, cause I sure as hell don't remember not wanting to be helped.  See, if they make me look bad, then I'll be sent back and the two Bobsey twins will stay together. Of course, that potential plot occured to me after I left the boss' office. Seems I have to be more Southern. They are a couple of good ole girls and have no use for this Yank. I'm surprised they had the boss believing them so easily and I'm the one who has to change. Guilty as charged, I guess. I also have to be sensitive to sharing the things I do outside of work because everyone does not have the capability to do them. I thought I was sharing something we may have in common. They took it as bragging... keep my cards close, I heard you. I should have known better; just don't share anything that matters. Talk about the weather.

My heart is heavy all the time. I am going to work. I am efficient; I'm just not slaphappy. I'm not crying there. I save that for home. Those girls need a more fun person who talks their talk and understands what they're talking about. I've never been to a mud run. I have no idea what they're talking about and I don't care.

So the volcano in Hawaii is erupting again. We never got there for the All Star game. I was looking at the molten flow thinking I could just melt into it. It would be a quick hurt. Then I think I have to find a purpose, a commitment. Did you make Ted call? I haven't heard from him in a while and he calls, telling me not to do anything stupid. I have to get on with life he tells me. Mike, you could keep me balanced; you could help me to think and you were practical. Get on with life. Hey, I'm trying but there's a lot to do by oneself and no one to talk with or laugh with while doing it. Our party of 2 ended. You blew it. We were supposed to die together, asshole.

Remember, don't do anything stupid. I don't think my kids would understand and maybe my grandson would have a hole in his heart without me. maybe.